Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
