Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
