nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
