I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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