Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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