I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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