saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
