I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
