My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
