i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
