I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
