the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So many bounce houses so little time
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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