Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
