Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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