Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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