I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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