Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
