If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
