I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's always time for handjobs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
