my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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