his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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