My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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