I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
