If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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