im drinking this country out of the recession.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
