Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Who died my cat blue again?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
