YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
