What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
