My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
