i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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