How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
