I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
