Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
