god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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