a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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