Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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