On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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