Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
