i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
