U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
