i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
