No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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