plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
