I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
