Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Found the puke drawer
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
