Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
