i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
