We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
