I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
