I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm both gender and math confused
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
