I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up under a house in Key West
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
