I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
